"A college joke to cure the dumps...." - Quote by Jonathan Swift

“A prince, the moment he is crown'd,Inherits every virtue sound,As emblems of the sovereign power,Like other baubles in the Tower:Is generous, valiant, just, and wise,And so continues till he dies.”

“I can discover no political evil in suffering bullies, sharpers, and rakes, to rid the world of each other by a method of their own; where the law hath not been able to find an expedient.”

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday.”

“Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.”

“I don't mean to be funny.”

“You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing.”

“College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.”

“In a democracy, we have always had to worry about the ignorance of the uneducated. Today we have to worry about the ignorance of people with college degrees.”

“Does college pay? They do if you are a good open-field runner.”