Humor Quotes

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”

“To go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes”

“Petruchio: Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry. Katherine: If I be waspish, best beware my sting. Petruchio: My remedy is then, to pluck it out. Katherine: Ay, if the fool could find where it lies. Petruchio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail. Katherine: In his tongue. Petruchio: Whose tongue? Katherine: Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell. Petruchio: What, with my tongue in your tail? Nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman.”

“Say she rail; why, I'll tell her plain She sings as sweetly as a nightingale. Say that she frown; I'll say she looks as clear As morning roses newly wash'd with dew. Say she be mute and will not speak a word; Then I'll commend her volubility, and say she uttereth piercing eloquence.”

“I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.”

“Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”

“A jest's prosperity lies in the ear”

“I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.”

“thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.”

“The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and in all this time there was not any man died in his own person,videlicet, in a love-cause.”

“Polonius: Do you know me, my lord? Hamlet: Excellent well. You are a fishmonger.”

“Fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger.”

“Ha. "Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner." There's a double meaning in that. -Benedick (Much Ado)”

“Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner. BENEDICK Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains. BEATRICE I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would not have come. BENEDICK You take pleasure then in the message? BEATRICE Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's point ... You have no stomach, signior: fare you well. Exit BENEDICK Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that... (Much Ado About Nothing)”

“In jest, there is truth.”

“'Twas merry when You wagered on your angling, when your diver Did hang a salt fish on his hook, which he With fervency drew up.”

“Let us kill all lawyers”

“I can see he's not in your good books,' said the messenger. 'No, and if he were I would burn my library.”

“Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek.”

“Exit, pursued by a bear.”

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

“I am such a tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.”

“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!”