Humor Quotes

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

Oh yeah? What did you have last night?" "Turkey sandwich on wheat. With a pickle." "And the night before?" "Turkey sandwich on wheat. No pickle." She giggled. "What was the last hot meal you cooked?" He pretended to rack his brains. "Uh...beans and franks. On Monday.

I'll bring my grits when I travel, because I get so hungry on the road.

I am so mean I've handcuffed lightnin' and thrown thunder in jail.

Once you've put one of his [Henry James] books down, you simply can't pick it up again.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

To go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

What you are to do without me I cannot imagine.

All say, ‘how hard it is that we have to die’ -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of those who have had to live.

[My ideal of a good dinner] is to discuss good food, and, after this good food has been discussed, to discuss a good topic - with myself the chief conversationalist.

Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market.

An adventure is something that while it's happening you wish it wasn't.

Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age.

The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong.

Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.

The faster you go, the shorter you are.

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

A jest's prosperity lies in the ear

The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people's democracy. It's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The best government is a benevolent tyranny tempered by an occasional assassination.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Time was when people used to brag about how old they were - and I am old enough to remember it.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?

I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world.

I think everybody should be able to do anything they want and let roving bands of people punish each other for things they don't agree with. People with no underwear doing anything they want. Wouldn't that be fun? You wouldn't need television.

I took cooking classes when I was younger; girls weren't interested in me, and I thought I may be alone for the rest of my life.

He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

Actually, depravity can be terribly boring if you don't smoke or drink.

A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Keep your virginity for as long as you can, until it starts to feel weird to you. Then just get it over with.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

My father was a small claims court jester.

If you don't know how great this country is, I know someone who does; Russia.

If you are going to tell people the truth, you had better make them laugh or they will kill you.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

The age of chivalry is past. Bores have succeeded to dragons.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.