"Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes,..." - Quote by George Carlin

“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.”

“You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!”

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

“"It wasn't the wine," murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. "It was the salmon."”

“So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“The difference between success and failure is not which stock you buy or which piece of real estate you buy, it's asset allocation.”

“The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.”

“The most powerful force in the world is compound interest.”