"Suppose I could shoot myself in the..." - Quote by George Carlin

“A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

“There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' You know bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions.”

“Kill two birds with one stone, feed the homeless to the hungry.”

“I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Plan ahead or find trouble on the doorstep.”

“Garrett," said Stendahl, "do you know why I've done this to you? Because you burned Mr. Poe's books without really reading them. You took other people's advice that they needed burning. Otherwise you'd have realized what I was going to do to you when we came down here a moment ago. Ignorance is fatal, Mr. Garrett.”

“You come home, and you party. But after that, you get a hangover. Everything about that is negative.”