"What I became a comedian for was..." - Quote by George Carlin

“What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?”

“How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?”

“Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids”

“The spirit of the poet craves spectators... even if only buffaloes.”

“The beautiful is as useful as the useful." He added after a moment’s silence, "Perhaps more so.”

“There may be something petty in a refined taste; it easily degenerates into effeminacy. It does not consider the broadest use. It is not content with simple good and bad, and so is fastidious and curious or nice only.”

“The dramas for me allow me to explore more behavioral, deeper psychological things. But the comedies obviously allow me to explore the idea of really working off other people. I'm having more fun doing that.”

“To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.”

“Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually have comic touches to the victim. Happiness probably consists largely in the capacity to detect and relish them. A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable.”