Groucho Marx Quotes

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

TV is the rat race of the century.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Only if the computers really love each other.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Any place I hang my head is home.

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho MarxA man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.