"If you can't say something nice about..." - Quote by George Carlin

“O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.”

“I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.”

“If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.”

“A person seldom falls sick but the bystanders are animated with a faint hope that he will die.”

“I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.”

“I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."”

“Could have sworn her breastses was sending me messages.”

“All who say the same things do not possess them in the same manner; and hence the incomparable author of the Art of Conversation pauses with so much care to make it understood that we must not judge of the capacity of a man by the excellence of a happy remark that we heard him make. Let us penetrate, says he, the mind from which it proceeds. It will oftenest be seen that he will be made to disavow it on the spot, and will be drawn very far from this better thought in which he does not believe, to plunge himself into another, quite base and ridiculous.”

“If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.”