"I'm not a person who thinks they..." - Quote by George Carlin

“Life is a near-death experience.”

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

“If anyone e-mails you something "by George Carlin," there's a 99 percent chance I did not write it. I didn't write "Paradox Of Our Time." I didn't write "George Carlin On Aging." I didn't write a eulogy for my wife after she died. I didn't write the New Orleans thing. I didn't write "I Am A Bad American." None of them. You know what I've decided to do? I'm going to get a little cheap put-it-together-yourself website called NotMe.com.”

“I've never tried to hide the fact that it is my intention to become the best”

“On my tombstone they will carve, "IT NEVER GOT FAST ENOUGH FOR ME.”

“If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere; it's up to you, New York, New York.”

“Subordination to morality can be slavish or vain or self- interested or resigned or gloomily enthusiastic or thoughtless or an act of despair, just as subordination to a prince can be: in itself it is nothing moral.”

“I love scandals about other people, but scandals about myself don’t interest me. They have not got the charm of novelty.”

“Human society is made up of partialities. Each citizen has an interest and a view of his own, which, if followed out to the extreme, would leave no room for any other citizen.”