"July 4. Statistics show that we lose..." - Quote by Mark Twain
July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so
More by Mark Twain
“A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.”
“Stars are good too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair. But I suppose I never can. You would be surprised to find how far off they are, for they do not look it. When they first showed last night I tried to knock some down with a pole, but it didn't reach, which astonished me. Then I tried clods till I was all tired out, but I never got one. I did make some close shots, for I saw the black blot of the clod sail right into thee midst of the golden clusters forty or fifty times, just barely missing them, and if I could've held out a little longer, maybe I could've got one.”
“It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense”
More on Humor
“I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!”
“A baby, a real live baby was the craziest thing a fan has sent. Someone left a baby on our front doorstep with a note that they wanted us to raise it. Of course, we contacted the authorities and they took care of the baby.”
“Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait and count to forty. To save three quarters, count sixty. To save all, count sixty-five.”
More on America
“The United States Constitution has proved itself the most marvelously elastic compilation of rules of government ever written.”
“Everything that I've accomplished in life was because of America and because of California, so I should take seven years out of my life to be a public servant and to serve the people of California regardless of the lack of pay.”
“Islam has always been part of America”