"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money...." - Quote by George Carlin

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

“Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format, five, eight, 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners, so since writing books, the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials, and it can also end up in one of the books.”

“I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were "latch-door kids." We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves.”

“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

“Nobody was ever meant, To remember or invent, What he did with every cent.”

“The life of a man who deliberately runs through his fortune often becomes a business speculation; his friends, his pleasures, patrons, and acquaintances are his capital.”

“Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”

“In my free time I do differential and integral calculus.”

“I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”