"How old are you? 'I'm four and..." - Quote by George Carlin
How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
More by George Carlin
“The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller amounts, and I would do coke for less periods of time. And that process just kept increasing and increasing until I wasn't using it at all. I didn't go on a program anywhere. I didn't join an organization or detox anywhere. I just slowly tapered off until it was gone. That was also true of my heavy pot use. I just tapered off until there was almost no use at all. And the same thing was true of drinking tons of beer.”
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
More on Aging
“Music, I suppose, will be the thing that sustains me in the time of my life when I am too old for sex and not quite ready to meet God. It has always been an essential part of me.”
“Time doth transfix the flourish set on youthAnd delves the parallels in beauty's brow.”
“As I grow old I hate the writing of letters more and more, and like getting them better and better.”
More on Humor
“The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.”
“Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinction. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit. It is like ice, on which no beauty of form, no majesty of carriage, can plead any immunity; they must walk gingerly, according to the laws of ice, or down they must go, dignity and all.”
“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”