"I can remember staring at the orphanage..." - Quote by George Carlin

“What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."”

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.”

“So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.”

“Don't waste your youth growing up.”

“Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.”

“I lived a dream life (almost too exclusively, perhaps) when I was a lad and even now my thought goes back for refreshment to thosedays when all the world seemed to be a place of heroic adventure in which one's heart must keep its own counsel.”

“The higher you ascend, the smaller you appear to the eye of envy. But most of all they hate those who fly.”

“The craving for equality can express itself either as a desire to pull everyone down to our own level (by belittling them, excluding them, tripping them up) or as a desire to raise ourselves up along with everyone else (by acknowledging them, helping them, and rejoicing in their success).”

“Some fans keep booing and whistling at me because I'm handsome, rich and a great player. They envy me.”