"UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.”

“A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.”

“Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.”

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

“How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.”

“Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.”

“We are eager to tunnel under the Atlantic and bring the Old World some weeks nearer to the New; but perchance the first news that will leak through into the broad, flapping American ear will be that the Princess Adelaide has the whooping cough.”

“There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.”

“Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.”