"I'm the woman who used to think..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.”

“Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.”

“I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.”

“I ate two waffles, a banana and cereal with blueberries. And that whas between my two breakfasts.”

“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.”

“It is time to be oldTo take in sail.”

“An aging writer has the not insignificant satisfaction of a shelf of books behind him that, as they wait for their ideal readers to discover them, will outlast him for a while.”