Phyllis Diller Quotes

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.