"Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests that the Pulitzer is not what it once was.”

“You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.”

“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”

“Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.”

“There are six-million shots in the game of pool.”

“Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.”

“The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”

“Character is the result of hundreds and hundreds of choices you make that gradually turn who you are, at any given moment, into who you want to be.”

“You will never find a truly happy self-centered person. They simply don't exist.”