"This woman goes into a gun shop..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

“My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

“He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.”

“I am not invested with dictatorial powers. If I were, I should be quite ready to dictate.”

“Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“It is not a lack of real affection that scares me away again and again from marriage. Is it a fear of the comfortable life, of nice furniture, of dishonor that I burden myself with, or even the fear of becoming a contented bourgeois.”

“Between husband and wife friendship seems to exist by nature, for man is naturally disposed to pairing.”