"Never lick a steak knife...." - Quote by Dave Barry

“I don't even care what Bill Bryson writes about because he will make it interesting. I love "A Walk in the Woods," about the Appalachian Trail, but his most amazing book is "A Short History of Nearly Everything."”

“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”

“After my marriage she edited everything I wrote. And what is more, she not only edited my works, she edited me.”

“Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?”

“Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.”

“I'm a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I'd have to think long and hard before I let him play football.”

“There were times when the fact of impending death seemed as palpable as the bed they lay on, and they would cling together with a sort of despairing sensuality, like a damned soul grasping at his last morsel of pleasure when the clock is within five minutes of striking. But there were also times when they had the illusion not only of safety but of permanence.”

“I'm opposed to any policy that would deny in our country any human being from access to public safety, public education, or public health, period.”