"As you know, birds do not have..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

“Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”

“We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”

“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

“I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural.”

“Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.”

“Life is not governed by will or intention. Life is a question of nerves, and fibres, and slowly built-up cells in which thought hides itself and passion has its dreams.”

“The c**k isn't a muscle so it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals. You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure.”

“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.”