"Old age is when the liver spots..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.”

“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”

“Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.”

“My personal telephone book is a book of the dead now. I'm so old. Almost all of my friends have died, and I don't have the guts to take their names out of the book.”

“Stop whining about getting old. It's a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.”

“My opportunities were still there, nay, they multiplied tenfold; but the strength and youth to cope with them began to fail, and to need eking out with the shifty cunning of experience.”

“No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous.”

“Nature: a place where birds fly around uncooked”

“I have only one moral precept; never smoke more than five cigars at a time.”