"I ate one anchovy, and that is..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
More by Mitch Hedberg
“My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.”
“If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.”
“I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.”
More on Humor
“Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money.”
“It takes me a long time to lose my temper, but once lost I could not find it with a dog.”
“Other guys read Playboy. I read annual reports.”
More on Food
“Just because we are not Italian, does not mean we cannot appreciate Michelangelo, it is the same with cuisine.”
“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"”
“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”