“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

“They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!”

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”

“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”

“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

“Men are what their mothers made them.”

“Drawing ... is an innocent & engaging amusement, often useful, and a qualification not to be neglected in one who is to become a mother & an instructor.”

“We [women] have borne and bred and washed and taught, perhaps to the age of six or seven years, the one thousand six hundred and twenty-three million human beings who are, according to statistics, at present in existence, and that ... takes time.”

“Adult males are what their moms designed them.”

“Cannot we let [children] be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another you. One's enough.”

“What art can paint or gild any object in after life with the glow which nature gives to the first baubles of childhood? St. Peter's cannot have the magical power over us that the red and gold covers of our first picture-book possessed.”

“How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!”

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”

“If it be you that stirs these daughters' heartsAgainst their father, fool me not so muchTo bear it tamely; touch me with noble anger,And let not women's weapons, water drops,Stain my man's cheeks.”

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”