"WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name..." - Quote by Dave Barry
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
More by Dave Barry
“I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.”
“I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.”
“Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...)”
More on Humor
“I think my sense of humor is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It's like, "Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?" See? That was funny.”
“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
“My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.”
More on Advice
“Get a bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live.”
“The best way to become a writer is to go off and write.”
“Stay in college, get the knowledge. And stay there until you're through. If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. Advice to a young person to continue his education.”