"I think animal crackers make people think..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

“People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

“The secret to a happy marriage? Do whatever your wife tells you. 'Yes, dear.' And breathe.”

“Surely mortal man is a broomstick!”

“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.”

“One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.”

“I don't have much patience for people who are self-conscious about the act of eating, and it irritates me when someone denies themselves the pleasure of a bloody hunk of steak or a pungent French cheese because of some outdated nonsense about what's appropriate or attractive.”

“On a hot day in Virginia, I know nothing more comforting than a fine spiced pickle, brought up trout-like from the sparkling depths of the aromatic jar below the stairs of Aunt Sally's cellar.”