"A stand-up comic is judged by every..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”

“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

“Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.”

“I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.”

“I love to write honest songs that name real people, then get up onstage and live out those emotions in front of 15,000 people.”

“In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.”

“My heart goes out to anyone who is making his first appearance before an audience of human beings.”