"I don't know how you feel about..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.”

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!”

“Old age has deformities enough of its own. It should never add to them the deformity of vice.”

“I don't know if I could do this with the same energy, and in the same way - all the costume changes and glitter and hair and makeup - all the time. When I'm in my 50s, I kind of think I'll want to be in a garden.”

“Time doth transfix the flourish set on youthAnd delves the parallels in beauty's brow.”

“We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.”

“So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'”

“That's silly talk... Talk to my wife. She'll tell me I need to learn to just put my socks on the hamper.”