“How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

“They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.”

“The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.”

“Don't hit at all if you can help it; don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep.”

“Aggressive fighting for the right is the noblest sport the world affords.”

“It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.”