"A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more..." - Quote by Dave Barry
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
More by Dave Barry
“When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.”
“I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.”
“My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.”
More on Humor
“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”
“Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.”
“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.”
More on Animals
“Cow-slaughter and man-slaughter are in my opinion two sides of the same coin.”
“I have a great love of animals and laughter.”
“And it is exceedingly short, his galloping life. Dogs die so soon. I have my stories of that grief, no doubt many of you do also. It is almost a failure of will, a failure of love, to let them grow old-or so it feels. We would do anything to keep them with us, and to keep them young. The one gift we cannot give.”