"Life is anything that dies when you..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.”

“normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.”

“Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.”

“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”

“What is both surprising and delightful is that the spectators are allowed, and even expected, to join in the vocal part of the game...There is no reason why the field should not try to put the batsman off his stroke at the critical moment by neatly timed disparagements of his wife's fidelity and his mother's respectability.”

“You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.”

“Doing what you're afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that- that's what life is.”

“Winter, which, being full of care, makes summer's welcome thrice more wish'd, more rare.”

“I never read a novel, they have so little real life and thought in them.”