"Last week, I stated this woman was..." - Quote by Mark Twain

“I do not want Michael Angelo for breakfast-but for luncheon-for dinner- for tea-for supper-for between meals.”

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

“If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.”

“His name is Rufus II-but the II is silent.”

“I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.”

“I have damaged my intellect trying to imagine why a man should want to invent a repeating clock, and how another man could be found to lust after it and buy it. The man who can guess these riddles is far on the way to guess why the human race was invented - which is another riddle which tires me.”

“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.”

“I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.”

“By candle-light nobody would have taken you for above five-and-twenty.”