Irony Quotes

For Death who takes what man would keep, Leaves what man would lose.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

His worst fault is, he's given to prayer; he is something peevish that way.

Some reproaches praise; some praises reproach.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

A physician who treated me as a nervous case for a while said in the end "No! It is not a matter of your nerves; it is I who am nervous".

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

A third variety of drama ... begins as tragedy with scraps of fun in it ... and ends in comedy without mirth in it, the place of mirth being taken by a more or less bitter and critical irony.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Common sense is not so common.

The key to making up Oscar Wilde quotes is to add '~ Oscar Wilde' at the end.

I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Yes, always avoid violence. In this age of charity and kindliness, the time has gone by for such things. Leave dynamite to the low and unrefined.

It is my fate to be considered an authority, since I spent my youth rebelling against it.

Nothing is more annoying than to be obscurely hanged.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

He remembered poor Julian [actually F. Scott Fitzgerald] and his romantic awe of them and how he had started a story once that began, "The very rich are different from you and me." And how someone had said to Julian, "Yes, they have more money."

Compassionate conservative. I don't know what that is, it sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I dont even have to exaggerate.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Suppose . . . burglars had made entry into this . . . [library]. Picture them seated here on this floor, pouring the light of their dark-lanterns over some books they found, and thus absorbing moral truths and getting moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way and were sent to jail. For all I know, they may next be sent to Congress.

The observance of Thanksgiving Day-as a function-has become general of late years. The Thankfulness is not so general. This is natural. Two-thirds of the nation have always had hard luck and a hard time during the year, and this has a calming effect upon their enthusiasm.

The intention of never deceiving often exposes us to deception.

A crowded police docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty.

We are never so easily deceived as when we imagine we are deceiving others.

A sensible human once said, "If people knew how much ill-feeling unselfishness occasions, it would not be so often recommended from the pulpit"; and again, "She's the sort of woman who lives for others you can always tell the others by their hunted expression.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.

It is a solemn thought: dead, the noblest man's meat is inferior to pork.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead.

When dunces are satiric, I take it for a panegyric.

They flaunt their conjugal felicity in one's face, as if it were the most fascinating of sins.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.

Golf. Trying to knock a tiny ball into an even smaller hole with implements ill suited to the purpose.

Irony limits, finitizes, and circumscribes and thereby yields truth, actuality, content; it disciplines and punishes and thereby yields balance and consistency.

Personally, I have a great admiration for stupidity.

I wish to become rich, so that I can instruct the people and glorify honest poverty a little, like those kind hearted, fat, benevolent people do.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

If we win, nobody will care. If we lose, there will be nobody to care.

I am sure that the mistakes of that time will not be repeated; we should probably make another set of mistakes.

There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly.

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

Criticism sometimes is really praise, and praise sometimes slander.

As one boy said, 'I was thinking all these horrible thoughts about my parents when suddenly it hit me-if they're all that bad, how come I'm so wonderful'

Decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.

Irony is a disciplinarian feared only by those who do not know it, but cherished by those who do

What a fool honesty is.

An old Russian woman goes into Kremlin, gets an audience with Mikhail Gorbachev and says, In America anyone can go to the White House, walk up to Reagan's desk and say, 'I don't like the way you are running the country.' Gorbachev replied, You can do the same thing in the Soviet Union. You can go into the Kremlin, walk up to my desk and say 'I don't like the way Reagan is running his country.'

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.