"The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.”

“But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally pointing away from 'Let's let the government do this' Does it matter to me that it's Democrats who think we need more elaborate programs that involve shifting money from one group to another group or it's Republicans saying we need to take a harder look at what kinds of things people are watching on cable TV? Neither one of those things strikes me as a good idea.”

“Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”

“Melancholy men, of all others, are the most witty.”

“Don't be fooled. I kept all my workout clothes in that top hat.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“English law in 1572 decreed that beggars above 14 years of age are to be severely flogged and branded on the left ear unless some one will take them into service for two years; in case of a repetition of the offense, if they are over 18, they are to be executed, unless some one will take them into service for two years; but for the third offence they are to be executed without mercy as felons.”

“The guys who won World War II and that whole generation have disappeared, and now we have a bunch of teenage twits.”

“Hold those things that tell your history and protect them.”