"No matter what time your guests arrive,..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.”

“This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.”

“I should be a postage stamp, because that's the only way I'll ever get licked. I'm beautiful. I'm fast. I'm so mean I make medicine sick. I can't possibly be beat.”

“A lion chased me up a tree, and I greatly enjoyed the view from the top.”

“That's what a Congressman or a Senator is for -- to see that too much money don't accumulate in the national Treasury.”

“How to Drink Like a Gentleman: The Things to Do and the Things Not To, as Learned in 30 Years' Extensive Research.”

“Manners require time, and nothing is more vulgar than haste.”

“If you get into the endzone, act as if you've been there before.”