"I took an estimated two thousand years..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.”

“Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“The Americans are the illegitimate children of the English.”

“Sometimes I'll jot a clever turn of phrase down. Sometimes I'll just remember it.”

“"Fair, kind, and true" is all my argument,"Fair, kind, and true" varying to other words;And in this change is my invention spent,Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.”

“There were many words that you could not stand to hear and finally only the names of places had dignity. Certain numbers were the same way and certain dates and these with the names of the places were all you could say and have them mean anything. Abstract words such as glory, honor, courage, or hallow were obscene beside the concrete names of villages, the numbers of roads, the names of rivers, the numbers of regiments and the dates.”