“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

“They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!”

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”

“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”

“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

“The most destitute person in the world is the one without a smile.”

“A smile is your greatest social asset.”

“He smiled the most exquisite smile, veiled by memory, tinged by dreams.”

“Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I; every man to his business.”

“In friendship, as in love, we are often happier through our ignorance than our knowledge.”

“Some there be that shadows kiss; Such have but a shadow's bliss.”

“Fair thoughts and happy hours attend on you.”

“An individual has a healthy personality to the exact degree to which they have the propensity to look for the good in every situation.”

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

“The wound of peace is surety, Surety secure; but modest doubt is called The beacon of the wise, the tent that searches To th' bottom of the worst.”

“Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none: be able for thine enemy Rather in power than use; and keep thy friend Under thy own life's key: be check'd for silence, But never tax'd for speech.”

“Tongues I'll hang on every treeThat shall civil sayings show. . . .”