"Energy experts have announced the development of..." - Quote by George Carlin

“In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!”

“My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'”

“Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.”

“With me every peep becomes a trumpet solo.”

“I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me. But when they descend to telling the truth about me I consider that this is taking an unfair advantage.”

“Don't you know, that all wives are in the right? It may be you don't, for you are yet a young husband.”

“I have been practicing, with scientific precision, nonviolence and its possibilities for an unbroken period of over fifty years.”

“Those who draw their sustenance from science are blessed. It is for me to only derive an occasional pleasure. This is nothing worthy of conceit, but I am indeed touched by the joys. This book is an ode to such joys, a digest of my collections from various sources.”

“I speak without exaggeration when I say that I have constructed 3,000 different theories in connection with the electric light, each one of them reasonable and apparently likely to be true. Yet only in two cases did my experiments prove the truth of my theory. My chief difficulty was in constructing the carbon filament... Every quarter of the globe was ransacked by my agents, and all sorts of the queerest materials used, until finally the shred of bamboo, now utilized by us, was settled upon.”