"Editorials are written by people who have..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.”

“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.”

“I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.”

“You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.”

“She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.”

“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”

“I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our newspapers make it.”

“A journalist is a reporter out of a job.”

“Here's what I think about music and journalism: The most important thing is to just press play.”