"Some people see the glass half full...." - Quote by George Carlin

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

“I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.”

“Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?”

“But we are all insane, anyway. Note the mountain-climbers.”

“The value given to the testimony of any feeling must depend on our whole philosophy, not our whole philosophy on a feeling.”

“Every adversity contains, at the same time, a seed of equivalent opportunity!”

“I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why.”

“The only thing we have to fear is a giant wheelchair-crushing squid. Well... uh... actually, I guess that's the only thing I have to fear.”

“Oh, well, if you want original conversations, you'd better go and talk to yourself.”