"Why do they put Braille on the..." - Quote by George Carlin

“If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead”

“I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word "cynic" has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. "George, you're cynical." Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know?”

“If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."”

“Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.”

“I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don't understand is how he lost five.”

“O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.”

“I couldn't go to college, so I went to the library three days a week for 10 years.”

“I believe technology will continue to become more affordable and more people will have the chance to use it. This will help more people get medical care and a good education.”

“No domain of nature is quite closed to man at all times.”