"One of the first things they teach..." - Quote by George Carlin

“And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.”

“For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.”

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

“I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment.”

“If you don't know how to pronounce a word, say it loudly. Do not compound mispronunciation with inaudibility”

“There was a stool there, and some fella kept asking me if I wanted to sit down. When I saw the stool sitting there, it gave me the idea. I'll just put the stool out there and I'll talk to Mr Obama and ask him why he didn't keep all of the promises he made to everybody.”

“At a certain point the family moved to Jaipur, where no woman could avoid the doli or purdah. They kept her in the house from morning to night, either cooking or doing nothing. [My mother] hated doing nothing, she hated to cook. So she became pale and ill, and far from being concerned about her health, my grandfather said, 'Who's going to marry her now?' So my grandmother waited for my grandfather to go out, and then she dressed my mother as a man and let her go out riding with her brothers.”

“You taught me language, and my profit on't / Is, I know how to curse”

“Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence and an appeal to the essence of being.”