"Don't you wish you had a job..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.”

“If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.”

“Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.”

“I'm going to make a long speech because I've not had the time to prepare a short one.”

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”

“In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!”

“Never write about a place until you're away from it, because it gives you perspective. Immediately after you've seen something you can give a photographic description of it and make it accurate. That's good practice, but it isn't creative writing.”

“The good ending dismisses us with a touch of ceremony and throws a backward light of significance over the story just read. It makes it, as they say, or unmakes it. A weak beginning is forgettable, but the end of a story bulks in the reader's mind like the giant foot in a foreshortened photograph.”

“I would write ads for deodorants or labels for catsup bottles if I had to.”