"Before you get married you should meet..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.”

“When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.”

“I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.”

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“If you owe fifty dollars you're a piker; if you owe fifty thousand dollars you're a businessman; if you owe fifty million dollars you're a tycoon; if you owe fifty billion dollars you're the government.”

“It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.”

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.”

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”

“When you sympathize with a married woman you either make two enemies or gain one wife and one friend.”