“With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.”

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

“Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.”

“When will all the rhetorical questions end?”

“I play for high stakes and given an audience - there is no act too daring or too noble.”

“I would tell myself that I was about to address the largest mass assembly of idiots ever gathered in the history of mankind.”

“A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.”