"I believe that we parents must encourage..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”

“Why am I a star? It can't be because of looks.”

“There's some jerks. There's some big egos. There are a few that think they're one of the Founding Fathers... in both parties.”

“I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my teeth.”

“Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.”

“My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there.”

“Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.”