"I have been an author for 20..." - Quote by Mark Twain

“The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”

“Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do.”

“When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years.”

“Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.”

“It's great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn't great is lying to you.”

“I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.”

“My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”

“The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”

“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”