Self Deprecation Quotes

I feel like I'm a big human snot.

I'm not smart enough to lie

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

I think I may boast myself to be, with all possible vanity, the most unlearned and uninformed female who ever dared to be an authoress.

I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.

I fill up a place, which may be better... when I have made it empty.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

I was born a premature birth.My first words were "bleep, bleep" and "Curse, Curse"My breath still stinks and I'm on my 3rd cert.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Of course my jokes are in poor taste, inappropriate, and confused; they reveal my lack of security. But that is because I have no respect for myself.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Twenty-four years ago I was strangely handsome; in San Francisco in the rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather.

I have done more for San Francisco than any of its old residents. Since I left there it has increased in population fully 300,000. I could have done more - I could have gone earlier - it was suggested.

You propound a complicated arithmetical problem: say cubing a number containing four digits. Give me a slate and half an hour's time, and I can produce a wrong answer.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

I'm sorry, I guess my company leaves a lot to be desired.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

If I'd found out that Norman Mailer liked me. I'd have killed myself.

There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I was in that part of the class that made the top half possible.

My presidency is not over. I've got another five years coming up.

I sing and play the guitar, and I'm a walking, talking bacterial infection.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: 'Boy, you are skinny, aren't you?' I said: 'Honey, I'd like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.'

I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.

I cannot choose one hundred best books because I have only written five

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

We are so very 'umble.

I know absolutely nothing about music.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

You are always training yourself to be, mind and body, as clear as crystal, and you always are, and never change; whereas I am a muddy, solitary, moping weed.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I look like a down-and-out drunk who has been picked out of the gutter in the Strand.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

I know nothing at all about music.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Laughter not time destroyed my voiceAnd put that crack in it,And when the moon's pot-belliedI get a laughing fit.

I have very bad posture.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

Contrary to the rumours you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth.

I am not a scientist.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

And now I am eking out my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolations that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything; that only a fool can become something. Yes, sir, an intelligent nineteenth-century man must be, is morally bound to be, an essentially characterless creature; and a man of character, a man of action - an essentially limited creature. This is my conviction at the age of forty. I am forty now, and forty years - why, it is all of a lifetime, it is the deepest of old age. Living past forty is indecent, vulgar, immoral!

I like to complain and do nothing to make things better.

"I know quite enough of myself," said Bella, with a charming air of being inclined to give herself up as a bad job, "and I don't improve upon acquaintance..."

Every female wanna come up to me and show me how much they're not attracted to me... these minority women... they're the only women I can get cause everyone else is scared of me.