"Priapism is what happens when someone gets..." - Quote by Mark Twain

“Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers. When I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him.”

“Start it at no particular time of your life; wander at your free will all over your life; talk only about the thing which interests you for the moment; drop it the moment its interest threatens to pale.”

“Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.”

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

“Diplomacy, n : 1. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. 2. The art of letting someone have your way. 3. The art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”

“There is not one thing that's Beatle music. How can they talk about it like that? What is Beatle music? Walrus or Penny Lane? Which? It's too diverse: I Want to Hold Your Hand or Revolution Number Nine?”

“If we take the generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I have never seen a brave man. All men are frightened. The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened.”