"I was a young person once, shortly..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.”

“I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.”

“What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.”

“I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.”

“A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“You not only do you appreciate the sacrifices people have made and the hours they've kept and the soccer games they missed and the birthday parties, but I also had a lot of young people who came in here [to White House], and this probably, you know, echoes with you, in your own experience, you were young when you got here.”

“The young should early be trained to bear being left alone; for it is a source of happiness and peace of mind.”

“Thou ever young, fresh, lov'd, and delicate wooer, whose blush doth thaw the consecrated snow”