"My sister-in-law is so skinny that she..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'”

“My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”

“They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.”

“They say that you can't live by bread alone, but I can live on compliments.”

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"”

“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”

“My boobs are fake, my hair's fake but what is real is my voice and my heart.”

“... when the locked door opens, and there comes in a young woman, deadly pale, and with long fair hair, who glides to the fire, and sits down in the chair we have left there, wringing her hands.”

“Come, dear, [Gwendolen rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.”