"I was the world's ugliest baby. When..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.”

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”

“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”

“I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and aeroplanes a fair chance of getting away.”

“My toughest fight was with my first wife.”

“in the newspapers I read a biography about an American. He left his whole huge fortune to factories and for the positive sciences, his skeleton to the students at the academy there, and his skin to make a drum so as to have the American national anthem drummed on it day and night.”

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”

“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”

“I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”